Are we all just as lonely as the next person? Of course not. We all have our own particular level of loneliness. But, what really defines that level? How in the world can you change it?
I don’t offer any magic in this blog. I only want to provide you with the important opportunity to look in the mirror with a new perspective.
I have been trying to define this question over the past couple of days. It has been refined a few times into the present form. Before I can ask the real question (which is the central purpose of this writing) it is necessary that we first make certain assumptions. If anyone wants to argue with these assumptions, I recommend www.PsychologyToday.com. I’m sure they could find some help for you…
Assumed: All human beings experience, and are characterized by, a permanent and inherent chasm of loneliness. This chasm could be said to be a “level” of loneliness.
Assumed: To survive psychologically, human beings need constant relationships with other living entities to fill that emptiness. This can be other humans, God, a pet, or even in some rare (and very unhealthy cases) a plant.
Assumed: With each relationship that we have, beginning with “self” and moving out to family, friends, and then acquaintances, the consecutive (marginal) effect of each relationship on our loneliness decreases.
For example, if we were to think in terms of percentages, you relationship with yourself might take away 20% of your loneliness. Your relationship with your parent(s) might take away an additional 15% of your loneliness. Your relationship with the supreme being you worship might take away another 15%. A best friend maybe takes away 10%. A second best friend maybe only takes away another 2% (based on the overlapping relationship with the first best friend).
The specific amounts vary for each person. The important part is to realize that each additional relationship fills less and less of our loneliness. Thus, there is a theoretical sustainable total that would be attained for each individual if relationships were built up and held constant.
Assumed: The euphoria of infatuation, at first, can lead us to believe that we have attained a 100% negation of our loneliness. However, this illusory emotion cannot be sustained over a long period of time. Much like a drug, the marginal (consecutive) effects of each new infatuation become thin over time. Eventually, a new infatuation although fun, may actually have an adverse effect on our core loneliness. Thus, long-term sustainability becomes a major factor in determining the effect of a relationship on our total loneliness.
The Loneliness Question: If you were to sum all of your relationships, how much of your loneliness is currently being filled (removed) by those relationships? Further, where does this specific equation plateau in your own life? How much of your loneliness do you think could be filled by relationships in a sustainable manner, both external and internal? What can be done to improve on this theoretical total?
Of course, there is no way to nail down an accurate percentage (or other type of number). However, the value of the question become self-evident when taken seriously and numerically. Take my own life for example. I could continue on my merry (and irresponsible) way by answering the question in a vague manner.
“Okay. I get it. There is some loneliness that I will never fill. ”
However, if I force myself to respond with some sort of numeric, quantified value, the magnitude of the issue becomes more shocking. For myself, I will say that the absolute maximum plateau in my life somewhere between 60% and 70%. Therefore, until I mature more in life through means of physical, spiritual, and emotional growth, I will always have a 30% – 40% void of loneliness that will not be filled.
Absolutely fascinating. It’s one of those things that one could go a lifetime without coming to terms with. Until one intentionally places one’s focus on the question (instead of the symptom), it is possible to never improve on the situation simply for a lack of understanding.
It then begs the question: “What should I do right now in my life to improve on this situation?”
The only way to find that answer is to actively look for it. It isn’t one of those answers that can be found by ignoring the question, nor by waiting for an epiphany.
